THE DAILY SLOW-DEMISE OF THE DELIVERY DRIVER'S STEED
26.04.2025
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I live in the bustling metropolis of northern Johannesburg, home to squadrons of buzzing delivery bikes, usually piloted by slender foreign-nationals of dubious skills, who appear to have either the courage of a hungry lion - or the mindset of a kamikaze pilot. The breathtaking manoeuvres that are pulled amongst the oft-hectic traffic are stuff of Chuck Yeager's playbook. They regularly end up in an altercation with Isaac Newton's laws and the resultant contact with the scenery, or other motorist's defensive-cage (ie -car). This is always is bound to be spectacular and painful.
Don't bother asking for his license for your insurance claim, as it is generally the stuff of creative skullduggery.
There is also a large amount of similar buffoonery in the attitude towards a concept that is completely foreign to the shores of this brooding continent…
'Maintenance'.
You can check every local native language on the continent. Not one word, or phrase, to expose the concept of this essential process is to be found. This concept is a cornerstone of civilization.
The cavalier attitude to driving manners and mechanised transport's rules is usually reinforced from an early age as the wide-eyed youth are stuffed into an overloaded, clapped-out mini-van taxi. This has an earlier generation of suicidal helmsmen grappling manfully at the controls. Traffic rules apply to other road-users, not to them. Engage with them at your peril.
With the local Constabulary usually more involved in soliciting gifts of cooldrinks for small offenders and KFC for sterner stuff, the local legend is reinforced to the younger generations that you are impervious to the laws of the land, Isaac Newton and any other damn-fool requirements of general civilisation.
'Use and Abuse' the bloody thing until it breaks.
Then get another one. Somehow.
Eish! (Ref Article # 9 for phrase explanation.)
The squeaking wheel will get no grease. The only grease most understand is that required to apply to the palm of the 'Plod' with the blue lights.
Therefore, in our quest to uncover and involve fearless aviators, engineers et al of breathtaking talent, we need to introduce this fundamental process. At home, where Mom can see the results and beam proudly at the talent of the young prodigy.
How to use the basics of hand tools. (Yes, we are going back to basics and giving kids a craft knife - along with a couple of complimentary band-aids.)
Health and Safety? Yes, we have to take that into account, but with a dose of reality as well. It's going to be an interesting battle…
As Mark Twain famously stated:-
'I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person!'
The problems that we face are compounded by the spectacular lack of 'common sense' that is often displayed by the presently-advantaged, pointy-shoed brigade, that have been thrust into the mantle of superior authority. Arguing with them is like arguing with a wheel spanner. It's just pointless. (With thanks and apologies to Jeremy Clarkson.)
Once again, the problems we face are that the parents AND teachers/educators are not exactly fountains of skill in the general scheme of these things. The caveat of 'pockets-of-excellence' applies here again to those stern-souled individuals who grapple successfully with the challenges of the educational process. More strength to their arms…
But - back to the heading.
My 'good mate and business partner' Mike is purveyor to the masses of motorised two wheeled delivery appendages of above-mentioned ilk. To try and do the right thing for customers, he has specially kitted out oil-change and quick-repair bays at the retail outlets to aid the owner and riders of such steeds. Needless to say, these bays lie dormant and disused. Even for free, the motorised proletariat would rather plump their loins over an inverted 'Y' aligned 'suicycle', than be observed attempting to prolong the longevity of said steed.
This is the mind-set that we are going to break down, slowly, gently and in a controlled process. The tools, techniques and supplies to introduce this amazing concept into homes is ready and available, with the joy on a beaming mother's face when said prodigy can fix the handle on her favourite broken teacup says it all. It's real, it's available soon nationwide, and we need your positive energy and feedback.
Be part of the solution - it's gonna be so much fun.
